It’s friggin literal parent abuse.
His weapons of choice are his hands (particularly his fingers and the nails from said fingers), his feet, his teeth (all four of them), and his walker.
Ohhhh that walker. Will Jr loves to run in his walker. It’s really fun to watch. He gets all excited and runs and screams like a banshee (just another way his mothers DNA has fortified itself in his psyche) with his hands up in the air. Smiling, what a beautiful smile he has too.
Then that little man that is my son and I love so much (more than anything on this planet actually) and he slams his walker, with more force and power than you would think a 15-month-old could muster, into my foot/toes/ankle.
Most of the time I don’t even know it’s coming. So I get a 30-pound hammer slammed into my ankle at surprising speed with no notice. Fantastic.
I invariably scream in pain. Oh and anger, yes, much anger is in this scream. My phrase of choice after having my food bulldozed is, “MOTHER FUCKER!” I’m sorry if it makes me seem like a bad parent for screaming obscenities in my child’s presence, but damn, you take that unannounced sheering pain and tell me you wouldn’t swear too. LIAR!
And it’s not as if I can actually get mad at him, because it’s not like he is doing it on purpose. Although the jury is still out on that, he is his mother’s child.
There’s also those times when my beautiful wife gives her usually minimal effort attempt at putting our son to sleep and so she says, “Do you think you could take Will, just for a few minutes and see if you can’t get him to sleep?”
I’d like to say I just reply, “Sure my beautiful, caring wife…I’ll put him down…again…”
When in reality it’s boiled down to me just sighing, picking him up and going back to my chair to put him to sleep. Again. Don’t worry, I’m not bitter.
Anyway, holding him in my arms I can usually see the sleep in his eyes already. I’ll say a little over half of the time he doesn’t really fight it; he just talks his baby gibberish and just fades away into dreamland. The other just less than half of the time?
He fights it…and hard.
Some of the time when the fight occurs it’s an angry, “I don’t want to go to sleep yet!!!!” sort of fight, which I can deal with. Which I would much rather deal with because all that entails is a little screaming and struggling and then he expends the energy and off he goes. Easy.
The other sort of fight comes in the effect of him laying there, but just refusing to close his eyes. He’ll poke my nose with his finger and say, “Beep” (it sounds more like, “Bip”) and that would be where the pleasantness ends.
Here is a short list of how he abuses me while in gentle, “I’m not going to sleep now” mode:
He uses his pointer finger to poke my eyes, nose (not just the outside, but yes, tries to literally push his finger inside of my nostrils), ears, and one of my personal favorites when he tries, with much effort, to push his fingers into my mouth. This usually ends with him literally trying to dig into my mouth with his fingernails. Fun.
Then he uses his hands to pull on my ears, nose, hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes (he just recently found these on my face, one of his new favorites).
I can’t leave out his foot action. He loves to take his foot and put it under my chin sometimes, which is cool, no problem with that. Then there are the times when he takes his foot and kicks up as hard as he can and literally kicks me in the face. He literally kicks me in my face. IN MY FACE!
This is a repeating cycle.
The Will Jr sleep cycle.