April 26, 2011.
It’s a tough date for me. Not just me, everyone that loved him.
‘Him’ is my cousin Eric. He might as well have been my brother. As far as I’m concerned he was my brother.
What a rough day.
As I type this my heart is pounding near out of my chest, heart in my throat throbbing. Most of the year I’m fine. I do have my moments. Days where I feel that stinging feeling slapping me in the face. The reality, the unbelievable reality that I won’t have privilege of knowing him in this life anymore. I still feel it as crisp and clear as I ever did.
Those days happen and they are becoming less throughout the year.
Except for this month. Except for this month and the anticipation of this month.
I see April coming from a mile away.
About the end of March, last week or so, I start to really think about what’s coming. It’s hard to feel the feelings. The pain, the sadness, the anger.
More anger than I care to admit.
Around this time of year I become more irrational. I’m short with people, people I care about. I’m not doing it on purpose and it’s no excuse for doing it. I’m a grown man. It’s just this emotion is flowing through me. This emotion that wants to shoot off into so many different directions. I say things I don’t mean. I’m irritable and sometimes just mean.
Most of the time I don’t talk at all. I don’t talk at all because I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to express my feelings. I don’t want to hear anyone else’s. I think, “I really just don’t fucking care about your bullshit.”
I selfishly think that no one could know how I feel. In my rational mind I know that’s not true. I do know that. It’s just so overwhelming this time of year.
The end of March comes and from that moment until the day he was lost to me, all of us, it’s bad. I’m an emotional person to begin with, but now I’m not afraid to admit that I cry about him not being here.
I cry a lot actually. It’s not as bad as it was most of the rest of the year, but this month. God damn this month. Still, almost three years later it has a fresh feeling to it. Most of the time it’s when I’m by myself. Sometimes my wife is around me when it happens.
This month comes and so much of my brain power is used remembering all the fun we had.
And more than I should, that fucking day, April 26, 2011. The texts that he was in an accident. The call that I should come to the hospital. You know that’s not the call you want. If you have never had that particular call, I’m legitimately happy for you. Honestly. It’s not a call I ever wanted to get.
It’s never easy. Never. It’s lessened, but it’s never easy. That’s in general. This month has my emotions every which way.
To my family, Meg and Uncle Freddy in particular, his best friends (some of which are my best friends), and his friends I didn’t know, or never met I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel so alone this time of year despite all the people who I have that care about me around still.
It hurts. It hurts so bad, still.
The only thought that gets me through is that I know he is up there, where ever there is, with so many people who loved him. The thought that he is hitting up the sweetest fishing spots the galaxy has. He’s sitting in a fishing boat, with his patented shades and black wife beater on.
He’s out there fishing somewhere, somewhere waiting for all of us.
It’s going to be the sweetest reunion.